Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Surrender

I find myself bathed in a rare quiet moment. A place in time where I am still enough to notice the strands of muscle beating in my chest.

An unusual place for a mother of three boys.

Tonight, covered by a dark blanket of night, this silence is smothering. It is loud. Deafening. Every fiber of my Woven soul is crying out. Pleading for rest. Rest.

This past week has been filled with Celebration. Soaking in the Reality of a Love so immeasurable. A Sacrifice. A new Beginning. For Him. For me.

And as I look toward a new year. A new measure of Hope. 365 new days of Grace.

I am heavy. Low. Crawling under the weight of my smallness.

This past month has been hard.  Full of broken, jagged moments. Moments filled with fear I never thought I'd see. Vivid, picture moments.

Painful, weeping moments. Moments that are born out of the fear of losing a child. The pain of struggling through my baby's health issues.


The exhaustion of emergency room visits. The strain of subjecting my little one to tests he doesn't understand.

We are all struggling, this little family of ours. Shaken by this change in our lives. This new future. And I wonder what it will look like. Our life now.


I've heard from so many, "I can't believe how well you're doing!" Or, "You are handling this with so much grace".

But I know the truth. I know Who is handling this. For I feel as though I am dragging on my knees. Clawing my way through bits of gravel.

And there it is. The defining ache. The word that suddenly betrays me. Leaves me standing naked. Raw.

Struggling.


There is no Light in the struggling. No Peace.


When I begin to focus on the struggle there is no room for Surrender.

When I spend my time clinging my hands are not open to receive the Soothing my heart so desperately craves. I am lost in my own abyss. My own clouds of worry.

I am searching for the Light. A smoldering ember wishing only to ignite.


And He is always there. Gently nudging me on. Gently prying my tiny fingers open.


For this baby. This intricate masterpiece of His perfect design. This Gift entrusted to me. This baby that stirs a love in me so deep it aches. This baby is not mine but His.


So I will continue each day, walking forward, one foot in front of the other. One prayer running into the next. Loving His baby. Surrendering His baby.


Focusing on the Joy. The honor of this journey. The gift of round cheeks and a lap full of footy-pajamas. The pure Blessing of chubby fingers clinging to my neck as he questions why yet another nurse must invade his space.


Yes. My word is Surrender.


This year I resolve to Surrender. Wholly, freely. Completely. Over and over. Every second of every day.


To be fully His.


Surrender.


"The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace."  Psalm 29:11