I have been nursing a wounded toe. My body struggling with infection. With pain.
I have had a little boy burning with fever. His tummy returning the food I put in. Him wanting nothing but to be held.
A baby struggling with molars forcing their way through swollen tissues. Waking him all night. ALL night.
A tall seven-year-old needing his Mama. His Mama that has so very little to give right now. That finds herself wrapping arms around him, sitting cross-legged on the floor, wishing there were hours to hold him. To hear him.
I am exhausted.
Life is hard. Suffering is constant. Pain as familiar as my own face. The desire for rest so strong my heart struggles to breathe under the pressure.
I am exhausted. Everything stripped away. Bare. Empty.
Being exhausted is suffocating. Leaves me struggling to move through the day. Scraping together fragments to offer my loves.
That is me. But not Him.
My Reality is in my perspective.
To be exhausted is to draw out all that is essential in.
In my exhaustion I am left only with what is Essential. The Skeleton of my broken life. The Strength that lets me stand under the crushing weight of suffering.
He is Joy. Beauty. Strength. Grace.
He is Light. He is Life.
He is inexhaustible.
And by definition that is...
~incapable of being depleted
Isn't that what I want? My deepest desire... to give them all that is essential. Everything I have. Everything I pray for them.
Isn't that what I want to give Him? To offer all I am. All that is vital. My life. Everything.
So when I am
exhausted. Depleted. Empty. Then there is more room for Him. More space in me filled with Him who is incapable of being depleted. Incapable of exhaustion.
And what I have strength for no longer matters. Because I can do everything He asks of me. I can walk hand in hand with The Essential. He who is vital.
Then there is only Him.
Then I am truly Full. And I have the most to offer them.
"I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. O my Strength, I sing praise to you; you, O God, are my fortress, my loving God."